Don’t let it take you out.
If you are like me, you at times struggle to understand why certain things happen
and why we never get the answers to certain questions. This is a make or break kind
of season, filled with uncertainties, loss, agony and countless “Why’s “, in this
season you find it hard to imagine that life can possibly work in your favour.
I have had many of these seasons, one after the other and it is visible by the amount
of weight I have lost, the pain you can see clearly by just looking into my eyes, this
season was always filled with heartbreak and anger, questions and wondering when
my chance at happiness will ever come. The most painful thing about this season is
that if you don’t hold on and fight with all you have on the inside of you, it will
squeeze the life out of your body, it will cause you to give up hope.
It was hard to sit down and write this blog for people to read, it’s like I had forgotten
how to use my gift as a writer.
The past year has been hard for many of us, we lost loved ones, we had to stay
strong in the midst of a worldwide pandemic and had to keep believing that we would
be delivered. Overcoming that was already hard enough, now imagine having to
experience attack upon attack and still believe that there is a God, imagine losing
everything and still try to be strong.
A month ago my life changed forever, I lost one of the people that I love most, every
day since that day has felt like hell on earth. I could not pray, I could not be strong
because the pain and agony choked me every single day. I remember sitting in my
room and planning to take my own life, it just didn’t feel worth it to live anymore, after
that failed attempt I decided that there was a special day coming up, my birthday…
so ultimately that should be the day that I die too. I was in such a dark place and just
wanted to be free from all the pain, as the days went by I dreaded my birthday
coming up because what is there to celebrate about my life?! I really felt that this
time around this battle was sent to take me out.
I sit here today on my birthday and I didn’t wake up excited like every other year, I
had no great words to myself but I was thankful to still be alive, to still have breath in
my lungs.
I remember the words of a dear friend who once told me “Even if you are in the ring
and get knocked out 9 times, just make sure you get up every single time because
you never know, the 10th time might be your chance to give it your shot”
Tears fill my eyes as I write this because many of what has happened in my life to
this very day I don’t understand. I had to lay someone I love so deeply on the altar as
a sacrifice not knowing what awaits on the other side of the mountain.
You may read this today and find yourself without hope, not knowing how to cope
with life and maybe like me you too had to sacrifice something or someone and you
understand that pain, maybe you are on the brink of ending your own life because
nothing ever goes great for you, maybe you have lost more than you ever could
imagine.
I want to encourage you to get up and give it ONE MORE SHOT.
Today, on my birthday, I am reminded that beautiful things are often birthed in
painful seasons, you may not understand the trials and the pain, and you may not
understand why you needed to lay a loved one on the altar, why the sacrifice felt so
great but one thing you can know for sure is that God loves you. He wants the best
for you and even your pain has a purpose. Even if it feels like nothing makes sense
now and it probably won’t for a while but I want you to cling to Him, the God who
called Abraham to sacrifice just to test His faith, the God who will move heaven and
earth for you. Get up and get back in the fight, even if you feel powerless, don’t quit
now.
Each day as you wake up you will find the pain becomes less, the days get a little
easier and one day you will look up and all will be well again.
For the woman who is tired, wants to give up, want to run and stop living, this is for
you as a reminder and a plea to keep on LIVING. This season won’t take you out it
will elevate you.
Savannah Solomons